Tory Titanic’s Deck Chairs: Grant Shapps Takes the Helm as Defence Secretary

Shapps at the Helm: Navigating the Challenges of Defence

Gather round for the latest shuffle of the Tory Titanic’s deck chairs, starring none other than human revolving door Grant “Safe Pair of Hands” Shapps as our new Defence Secretary! Yes, the very same Shapps who has pinballed between Cabinet posts at dizzying speed is clearly the obvious choice to helm Britain’s armed forces.

Should we be alarmed that a man who struggles with his own shadow portfolio now commands the entire military?

With his sterling track record as a photocopier salesman and peddler of dubious get-rich-quick schemes, Shapps’ strategic brilliance is self-evident. His CV screams military mastery…if you’re judging by his ability to fail upward and grift with impunity.

Let us not forget Shapps’ greatest distinction – getting sacked by Liz Truss, whose lettuce-besting tenure set leadership standards that even Shapps’ ineptitude could not meet. Surviving the vortex of dysfunction that was Truss’s cabinet is a feat akin to emerging unscathed from a typhoon aboard the Titanic. Clearly, Shapps is adept at staying afloat amidst disasters of his own making. What better qualification for steering this sinking ship of state?

And perish the thought of cronyism! No need to fret about Shapps’ glaring lack of defence expertise. Among yes-men and blunderers, ignorance is bliss. Who cares if he can barely handle his current brief? Running the military shall be a breeze…after a quick cram session on Defense 101. But give the man time; he is a quick study, having swiftly mastered transport and home affairs amidst his frenetic department hopping.

Certainly, in the realm of clandestine endeavours and mastery over intelligence agencies like MI5 and MI6, Shapps exhibits his prowess and is poised to impart a lesson or two in covert operations to those who thrive in the shadows. After all, it was quite the challenge to unveil the enigmatic persona of the true Grant Shapps.

His utilisation of aliases such as Michael Green, Corinne Stockheath, and Sebastian Fox ignited a firestorm of controversy back in 2012. Initially, he vehemently denied employing pseudonyms upon entering parliament. In 2014, he even wielded the threat of legal action against a constituent who dared assert on Facebook that he had done so.

Yet, the plot thickened in February 2015 when he made a public declaration: “I don’t have a second job and have never had a second job while being an MP. End of story.” However, the twists and turns continued, as come March 2015, Shapps confessed to juggling a secondary job while serving as an MP, all the while operating under an alias.

In this admission, he conceded to having “firmly denied” his dual role, a stance he had taken with resolve. But the saga escalated further when Dean Archer, the same constituent previously confronted with legal threats from Shapps, now retaliated by brandishing his own legal intentions.

However, we all must take heart! Our newly minted Defence Secretary is poised to steer us gracefully into the abyss, a shining exemplar of the Peter Principle. Onward and upward, with a resounding tally ho and all that jazz…

Mr Benn: The Shapeshifting Shapps

In the tumultuous saga of Grant Shapps, we witness a whirlwind affair with the corridors of power, a narrative that conjures both raised eyebrows and lingering questions. It’s a story that could easily be plucked from the pages of a Mr Benn cartoon, where the shopkeeper magically reappears in a new costume with each turn of the page. Alternatively, it resembles a script from a political satire, an endless reel of cabinet hopping and role swapping that compels us to ponder: Is this a testament to adaptability, or does it merely illuminate a government teetering precariously on the edge of coherence?

and the ask…Why Should Britain Tremble…

The dizzying CV of the man who has come to embody the chaos that has engulfed the Tory government.

Secretary of State for Transport

Shapps was appointed transport secretary on July 24, 2019, as Boris Johnson formed his first cabinet after replacing Theresa May as prime minister.

Compared with what was to follow, his time in the role was relatively long-lasting, taking him all the way to the day Johnson’s resignation on September 6, 2022.

Home Secretary

After backing Rishi Sunak’s leadership campaign last summer, Shapps was initially overlooked for a cabinet job by new prime minister Liz Truss.

However, as her short-lived time in office reached its denouement, Shapps was called upon last October to become home secretary following the resignation of Suella Braverman for breaking security rules.

Incredibly, he only held the job for six days after Truss following her disastrous 45 days in No.10.

Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy

Shapps bid farewell to the Home Office to take over at BEIS in Sunak’s first cabinet.

But less than four months later, in February this year, he had to change his business cards yet again as the prime minister carried out a government shake-up.

Secretary of State for Energy and Net Zero

With climate change moving up the political agenda, Sunak put his close ally in charge of the newly created department for Energy Security and net zero.

With his undeniable gift for communication, Shapps was regularly sent out to explain how the government planned to transition to a green economy and hit its target of achieving net zero by 2050.

He was also a reliable Tory attack dog, accusing Labour of being in the pocket of Just Stop Oil – even if his efforts often backfired.

Defence Secretary

With Ben Wallace announcing that he planned to stand down from the government at the next reshuffle, several ministers were mooted as his replacement – but none of them was Shapps, or at least not listed under his real name…