Sunak has a Solution to Our Problems: A War on Disabled People

By Launa K

They are the cause of everything we used to blame on refugees

At a time when everything is unaffordable and the NHS is collapsing under a waiting list of 7.6 million and we are at the brink of World War III and the Tories can’t go two days without a sex scandal, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom has identified the solution to our problems: a war on disabled people.

I know what you’re all thinking: Oh, thank god! Those bastards with musculoskeletal problems and stage 4 rectal cancer and ALS are worse than Putin and Hamas! It’s about time someone stopped them!

We all need a hero and the rich man who snacks on caviar, foie gras, and gold leaf desserts is ready to be that hero to ensure people with disabilities never eat again! Having saved us from the terrifying invasion of migrants in dinghies with his Rwanda plan that deported zero people, Rishi plans to save us from the scroungers who are too sick to work. “It’s the moral thing to do,” he said.

Rishi desperately needed a way of closing the 26-point gap in the polls and refugees are no longer a useful scapegoat, so everything is now the fault of disabled people. Thankfully, Tory voters instantly agreed because they’re all idiots who are told what to be mad about, or sociopaths like myself.

“There is nothing compassionate about leaving a generation of young people to sit alone in the dark before a flickering screen, watching as their dreams slip further from reach every passing day,” Rishi said, adding: “If they can’t be of any use to capitalists like my wife, the kindest thing we can do is let them die.”

The prime minister described the number of “economically inactive” young people as a “tragedy” and explained the best way to make the situation less tragic was to take their benefits away after 12 months. As all doctors know, disabilities have an expiration date, and if a tetraplegic is still saying they can’t walk after 12 months, they’re obviously faking it.

New rules will mean after a year of inactivity, anyone who is capable of moving a cursor with their eyeballs and speaking with one of those Stephen Hawking voice thingies will be declared “fit for work”. If they refuse to work, they will be beaten with a stick, and if that fails, they will be fired and thrown onto the streets. It’s only what they deserve. Bloody layabouts.

Excitingly, Rishi announced plans to take benefits away from people with mental health conditions and offer them treatment instead. If those people don’t think they can survive the three-year wait to see a mental health practitioner, they will be given a suicide pill for a pain-free death, but only if they agree to pay for their own funeral. This move should help reduce the mental health waiting list of 1.8 million faster than Liz Truss reduced your bank savings.

Going forwards, benefits fraud will be treated like tax fraud with new powers introduced for seizures and arrest, as well as a new civil penalty. Akshata is relieved to hear that tax fraudsters will not be targeted by police, only benefits fraudsters will.

Even better, your GP will no longer be allowed to issue you a note when you’re sick, so you’ll face additional bureaucracy every time you get the flu – and forced to discuss your medical history with a stranger. Personally, I don’t see what could possibly go wrong.

One thing people who are physically or mentally weak need is layers of bureaucracy with a “no” waiting at the end, followed by “Sorry, you can return to work or fucking well starve!”

Rishi explained that 11 million fit notes were issued by GPs last year and 94% declared the patient not fit for work. The only logical conclusion is that GPs are lying or they’re idiots who don’t know what they’re doing. Obviously, the rich man who has never met you understands your health better than your GP does, and Tories never lie.

Rishi is unable to explain why the 850.000 rise in disability claims coincided with a global pandemic, but the logical conclusion is that everyone became lazy. The laziness problem is so bad that our annual budget for disability allowance is £69 billion, which is the cost of two Dido Hardings or 0.3 Tridents or two weeks of Liz Truss.

The prime minister has confirmed he will do nothing to change the system that is ruining people’s mental health by giving them zero incentive to work while destroying the planet and erasing the dream of home ownership because he just wants them to serve the interests of wealthy people x

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