Once Upon a Betrayal: Sir Keir and the Wolves in Westminster

Little Red Starmer and the Billionaire Wolves: A Modern Political Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land increasingly less great than it used to be, there lived a knight who’d forgotten why fairy tales exist. You see, dear reader, our ancestors didn’t write these dark warnings for entertainment – they wrote them because wolves are real, they’re hungry, and they’re clever enough to wear whatever costume suits the season.

But Sir Keir Starmer, our pristinely polished knight of the realm and Prime Minister seems to have missed story time at school. Watch him now, striding into the dark forest of modern politics in his best Lord Ali suit, shoes gleaming like newly minted promises, utterly convinced he can domesticate the wolves that stalk our democracy.

Poor, sweet, naive Keir. He thinks he’s writing a new fairy tale: “How to Win Friends and Influence Billionaires.” But he’s actually starring in a very old one: “The Emperor’s New Economic Policy.”

The wolves, you see, have evolved. They no longer need sharp teeth and claws when Bloomberg terminals and offshore accounts work so much better. They’re circling our democracy like it’s a wounded deer, and there’s Starmer’s Labour Party, not just leaving the gate open but laying out a banquet. “It’s not feeding time,” they assure us, “it’s investment opportunity.”

Ah yes, that magical modern fairy tale – feed the wolf enough, and prosperity will trickle down to all the little piggies in their cold straw houses. We’ve heard this one before, haven’t we? Right before the housing market huffed and puffed and blew our futures down.

But wait! Plot twist! Enter Elon Musk, the wolf who forgot to dress in sheep’s clothing, sniffing around Starmer’s past as Director of Public Prosecutions. Suddenly skeletons are dancing out of closets and onto ‘X’ (formerly known as Twitter, formerly known as a functioning platform). Rotherham, Asian grooming gangs, Jimmy Savile – all doing the macarena in the digital town square.

Now Elon Musk has discussed ways to oust Starmer before the next election…

And lo! Our brave knight has had an epiphany! Billionaire influence in politics is bad! Who knew? (Apart from every fairy tale ever written).

Funny how that works, isn’t it?

See, Starmer’s not actually against wolves. He just prefers his predators with better table manners, like BlackRock’s Larry Fink, who knows to use the right fork while carving up public assets. Or Bill Gates, who at least sends a thank-you note after downloading national policy settings.

“But these are good wolves!” Labour protests. “They believe in stakeholder capitalism!” Yes, and the Big Bad Wolf just wanted to help Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother with her pension plan.

Into the Dark Forest: Labour’s Dance with the Wolves

Here’s the moral of our story, children: A wolf in a Tesla is still a wolf. A wolf in BlackRock pinstripes is still a wolf. And a political party that thinks it can run with predators while protecting the flock is writing a fairy tale that ends with someone getting eaten.

But perhaps we’re being unfair. Perhaps Sir Keir really believes he can tame the wolves of Wall Street and Silicon Valley. Perhaps he thinks that if he feeds them just enough of our democracy, they’ll become vegetarian venture capitalists.

And perhaps, dear reader, you believe in fairy tales too.

Choose your ending carefully. Because while we’re debating which wolves should be allowed at the table, they’re deciding which of us is the main course.

Once upon a time, politicians protected people from predators. Now they invite them to dinner.

Sweet dreams, Britain. Don’t forget to lock your doors. The wolves are hungry, and some knights have forgotten which side of the forest they’re supposed to guard.

Here’s the moral of our story, children: A wolf in a Tesla is still a wolf. A wolf in BlackRock pinstripes is still a wolf. And a political party that thinks it can run with predators while protecting the flock is writing a fairy tale that ends with someone getting eaten.

But perhaps we’re being unfair. Perhaps Sir Keir really believes he can tame the wolves of Wall Street and Silicon Valley. Perhaps he thinks that if he feeds them just enough of our democracy, they’ll become vegetarian venture capitalists.

And perhaps, dear reader, you believe in unicorns too.

Here’s the raw, uncomfortable truth hiding beneath this twisted bedtime story: every time our knight in shining Savile Row welcomes another billionaire “partner” into the fold, he’s not securing Britain’s future – he’s auctioning it off. Piece by piece, policy by policy, until there’s nothing left but bones and IOUs written on golden paper.

Once upon a time, politicians stood guard at the forest’s edge, keeping predators at bay. Now they’re hosting dinner parties for them, serving up slices of public assets with a side of tax breaks, pretending that if we just set enough places at the table, some crumbs might fall to the floor for the rest of us.

So clutch your pearls about Elon Musk all you want, Sir Keir. But while you’re pointing at the wolf howling at the door, his cousins are sprawled across your parliamentary sofa, feet up on the coffee table, scrolling through Britain’s asset portfolio like it’s Deliveroo.

You see, children, a government’s job isn’t to play Little Red Riding Hood with wolves in economists’ clothing. It’s not to trade grandmother’s house for a seat at the billionaire’s table. And it’s certainly not to pretend some wolves are fine as long as they promise to use a napkin while they feast.

Because in this dark forest of modern politics, your mandate is just paper, your principles are just words, and your carefully crafted five-point plan for sustainable growth is just another breadcrumb trail leading straight to the wolves’ den.

The ending to this fairy tale isn’t written yet. But remember: wolves don’t care about your political party. They don’t care about your promises. They only care about the hunt.

Sweet dreams, Britain. Don’t forget to lock your doors, check under your bed, and remember why our ancestors wrote these warnings in the first place. The wolves are hungry, the knights have forgotten their vows, and some fairy tales don’t have happy endings.

Choose your side carefully, Labour. The wolves are watching.

And so are we.

Paul Knaggs