NATO at 75: President Starmer Flies to Washington

NATO’s Diamond Jubilee: Celebrating Seventy-Five Years of Global Tension

Ah, the grand spectacle of NATO’s diamond jubilee! Seventy-five years of keeping the peace through the barrel of a gun, or so the story goes. What began as a cosy little club for Western powers to huddle together against the big, bad Soviet bear has metamorphosed into a voracious beast, gobbling up territory faster than you can say “not one inch eastward”.

Remember that quaint promise made to Gorbachev back in 1990? “NATO won’t expand eastward,” they said, hands on hearts, eyes twinkling with sincerity. Well, they certainly kept their word – if by “not one inch” they meant “let’s measure in miles instead”. A mere three decades later, and lo and behold, NATO has somehow found itself camped on Russia’s doorstep. Funny how these things happen, isn’t it?

The collapse of the Warsaw Pact was supposed to herald a new era of peace and cooperation. Instead, it seems to have been a starting gun for a mad dash eastward, leaving a trail of broken promises and heightened tensions in its wake. But why let a little thing like a gentlemen’s agreement get in the way of geopolitical domination?

So let’s raise a toast to NATO, shall we? To seventy-five years of creative cartography, to redefining the concept of “defensive alliance”, and to proving that in the grand game of international relations, promises are made to be broken. Here’s to the most successful protection racket in history – long may it continue to keep us safe from the peace that might otherwise break out!

And who better to represent our fair isles at this orgy of militaristic back-slapping than President Starmer—sorry, Prime Minister Starmer—sorry, Sir Keir Starmer or is it just plain old Sir Keir, the man who’s mastered the art of standing for everything by standing for nothing. One does lose track of his rapid ascent up the greasy pole of power.

Watch as he jets off to pay homage to Emperor Biden, fellow card-carrying member of the Trilateral Commission‘s exclusive club for world ‘improvers’. You can almost hear the clinking of champagne glasses as they toast to the health of the Military-Industrial Complex – that voracious beast that’s never met a conflict it didn’t want to prolong.

Watch as Starmer takes the knee before Emperor Biden, that doddering geriatric titan of the “free world” (terms and conditions apply). See how eagerly he pledges our blood and treasure to the great cause of… what was it again? Democracy? Freedom? The right of arms manufacturers to buy a little beach on the Florida Keys?

But fear not, dear citizens! While Sir Keir pledges away your hard-earned pounds to fund the next episode of ‘World Police: Democracy Edition’, you can take comfort in the fact that your sacrifices are for the greater good. After all, what’s a bit of hunger, crippling energy bills, and the looming threat of homelessness compared to the noble cause of spreading ‘freedom’ to resource rich lands?

“More money for defence!” they’ll cry, as if the solution to every problem is a bigger bomb. Never mind the trifling matters of crumbling schools, overwhelmed hospitals, or families choosing between heating and eating. Surely, they’ll understand that their suffering is a small price to pay for the vital task of funnelling cash into the gaping maw of the military-industrial complex.

Behold the UK’s latest act of fiscal acrobatics: increasing defence spending from 2% of GDP to a whopping 2.5%! And let’s not forget the £3 billion blank cheque handed to Ukraine, ensuring we can fight Russia to the last Ukrainian in this glorious proxy war. Who needs well-paid doctors and nurses saving lives when we can fund taking lives instead? After all, nothing says “developed nation” quite like prioritizing missiles over medicine.

Oh, the irony! We, the people, in our infinite wisdom, have bestowed upon these narcissistic parasites the power to act in our name. It’s almost as if we enjoy the exquisite pain of watching our public services crumble while our taxes fund state-of-the-art killing machines. Bravo, democracy! Perhaps we should rename our hospitals “Casualty Creation Centres” to better align with our national priorities. Why cure when you can maim? Why heal when you can destroy?

Who are we to complain if they’ve turned our democracy into a bad joke with a nuclear punchline?

As NATO blows out its candles, let’s reflect on its transformation from a defensive alliance to the iron heel of corporate interests. Who needs butter when you can have guns, am I right? And remember, your empty stomachs and cold homes are small sacrifices on the altar of global dominance.

Remember, every time you choose between food and electricity, you’re doing your patriotic duty. Sleep well, knowing that somewhere, a defence contractor is enjoying a very expensive dinner on your behalf. Isn’t it heartwarming to know your suffering is funding someone’s yacht?

So raise a glass, dear reader, to seventy-five years of NATO. Here’s to seventy-five more of endless war, resource plunder, and the steady erosion of civil liberties. For as the great George Orwell might have said, had he lived to see this farce: “War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. And NATO is just doing its best, honestly.”

Remeber “In Starmer we trust!” For surely, this knight in shining armour, this paragon of working-class values this Oxford-educated son of a toolmaker, will lead us to the promised land. A land where bombs fall like manna from heaven, where the music of cash registers drowns out the cries of the hungry, and where “left-wing” means whatever the American embassy says it means.

Sleep tight, citizens. Your betters are hard at work, ensuring that the military-industrial complex never goes to bed hungry, even if you do. In Starmer we trust!