Welcome to The Palace of Varieties: Spiking Scandals and Subsidised Sins

Closing Time at Westminster: Strangers’ Bar Shut Down

So Strangers’ Bar, that notorious Westminster watering hole where our nation’s future is regularly drowned in single malt, has finally closed its doors – temporarily, mind you, we wouldn’t want our elected representatives to get too thirsty. The official reason? A reported drink-spiking incident. How fitting that in a place where political careers go to die, someone thought to make the process more efficient.

The Metropolitan Police are investigating the alleged spiking incident, but they might want to investigate the broader poisoning of our political culture while they’re at it. Parliament’s own complaints body, the Independent Complaints and Grievance Scheme, notes that excessive drinking is a “frequent factor” in misconduct cases. In other breaking news, water is wet, and bears do indeed use woodland facilities.

While the government champions anti-spiking initiatives across the country – including the training of 10,000 bar staff in England and Wales – Parliament’s own bars have operated under a different set of rules. The recent closure of Strangers’ Bar marks the first serious acknowledgement that this exceptional status quo cannot continue.

Yvette Cooper, the home secretary, has described it as “a disturbing and serious crime which can have a damaging and long-lasting impact on victims”.

Let’s be clear about what Strangers’ Bar really is: a Victorian gentleman’s club masquerading as a workplace facility, where power and alcohol mix with all the subtlety of a poorly made cocktail. It’s where MPs can escape the tedium of actually representing their constituents, all while enjoying subsidised drinks at prices that would make their voters weep into their own overpriced pints.

The closure echoes a similar incident in 2017. Remember the Woolsack? Formerly the Sports and Social Club, it needed a rebrand after too many brawls and scandals. Nothing says “functioning democracy” quite like having to rename a bar because the people making our laws couldn’t behave themselves in it. Yet this is just one watering hole in Westminster’s liquid landscape – the estate boasts around a dozen bars and restaurants serving alcohol, because apparently, one venue for poor decision-making wasn’t enough.

When The Drinks Not Enough…

It wasn’t so long ago we witnessed former speaker, Sir Lindsay Hoyle’s 2021 intervention regarding drug use in Parliament – including cocaine traces found near the offices of senior government officials – further underscores the scale of the problem. The fact that sniffer dogs were seriously considered as a solution speaks volumes about how far the situation has deteriorated.

Former Lib Dem MP Mark Oaten’s recent revelations on Tonight Andrew Marr’s show paints a picture that would be comical if it weren’t so tragic: MPs snorting cocaine off office desks, political editors doing the same off toilet seats, elected officials trying to trade PMQ tickets for dates. It’s less “Yes, Minister” and more “The Hangover: Westminster Edition.”

The government’s vow to crack down on spiking as part of efforts to tackle violence against women and girls would carry more weight if they could first tackle the problem in their own backyard. But then, that would require acknowledging that the Palace of Westminster has become a palace of varieties, where the entertainment ranges from farce to tragedy, often in the same evening.

The power dynamics at play cannot be ignored. Jenny Symmons, chair of the GMB union’s Branch for Members’ Staff, highlights the particular vulnerability of parliamentary staff. In an environment where career advancement often depends on after-hours networking, the combination of alcohol and hierarchical power creates perfect conditions for abuse.

Symmons calls the bar’s closure “a very encouraging step.” One might suggest that a more encouraging step would be creating a workplace where young staffers don’t have to worry about their drinks being spiked in the first place, but perhaps that’s asking too much of our esteemed representatives.

The most darkly amusing part? This is all happening in the building where laws are made about workplace safety, sexual harassment, and drug use. It’s like having a fire safety seminar in a burning building – technically possible, but missing the rather obvious larger point.

The FDA union, which represents civil servants and public sector professionals, said earlier this week that the alleged spiking incident at Strangers’ was “deeply concerning” and urged parliamentary authorities to “assess the risks and take immediate action to prevent this happening again”.

Mike Clancy, the general secretary of the trade union Prospect, said: “This is a very concerning alleged incident, especially given the long history of allegations about behaviour in parliament.

“We will be seeking more information about this case and will continue to work to ensure parliamentary staff can feel safe in their workplace.”

As Parliament considers restricting alcohol sales on the estate, one can’t help but wonder: what would happen if our legislators had to make decisions while completely sober? The thought seems to terrify them more than any no-confidence vote.

Welcome to British democracy in 2025, where the bars may be closing, but the circus remains forever open for business.

Paul Knaggs