From Pigs to Prophets: Moses’ Descendant David Cameron’s Divine Diplomacy

A Satirical Look at David Cameron’s Ancestry and the Claim of Being Directly Descended from Moses’

As tensions mount in the Middle East, cries abound for an impartial voice to cool tensions and end the bloodshed. Who better to play wise diplomat than former PM David “Pig Lover” Cameron, now mysteriously instated as Lord of the realm, Foreign Secretary, without democratic mandate?

Clearly, we must ignore any biases like his passion for porcine romances. And pay no mind to the fact he may be Moses reincarnate, as Dr Yaakov Wise of the University of Manchester points out, having traced Cameron’s ancestry back to the famous 16th-century Jewish scholar Emile Levita via his great-great-grandfather the Jewish banker and name sake of that most eminent scholar, Emile Levita, who came to Britain as a German immigrant in the 1850s.

And what a distinguished bloodline it is! Levita was a finance mogul of biblical proportions, director of the mighty Chartered Bank of India, Australia and China. His son married into royalty, linking Cameron to Mad King George no less.

What you may ask is so noteworthy- As a Levita, Cameron bears the name of the ancient Levites, Moses’ own Israelite tribe. So it’s possible, even likely, that this new Lord of the realm is a modern day direct descendant of Moses or, at least, a cousin.

With the Rothschilds tapping his ancestor for epic loans, from his great-great-grandfather, Sir Ewen Cameron, this modern modest Moses clearly belongs to an elite web of power and piety. Who better to impartially resolve Middle East tensions? It’s destiny!

Relying on prophecies and bloodlines may seem lazy diplomacy to some. But in these dark times, only a leader with Moses in his DNA deserves our faith. Mere elections pale beside the brilliance of Cameron’s lineage.

With such a pedigree of piety and influence, how could Palestinians object to this inspired appointment? forget the bias forget the corruption, forget the unholy genocide being waged. Moses helped free the Israelites, so surely his descendant Cameron will save Gaza from oppression? Again it’s destiny!

In these dark times, only a leader with Moses in his bloodline deserves our faith. Constitutional niceties like elections pale beside Cameron’s brilliant bloodline.

So doubt not that Cameron can work miracles, part seas and smite villains. The man loves his bacon – proof he shares Moses’ taste for forbidden foods! And we can rest assured that a former PM thrust into the foreign office by dynastic decree shall deliver justice unto all nations. Hallelujah, salvation is at hand!

Well…perhaps not for Palestine. But divine right cares little for such trivialities.