Britain’s Brilliant New Bombers: All The Cost, None Of The Control!

Well, isn’t this simply grand? Prime Minister Starmer, in his infinite wisdom (and presumably under heavy “persuasion” from our American overlords), has just unveiled a truly revolutionary defence strategy. Forget actually defending British soil; we’re investing in the future of performative military spending!

According to a beaming Sir Keir at the NATO summit in The Hague, the UK government is now officially on the hook for at least 12 brand-spanking-new F-35A fighter jets. And at a cool £80 million a pop, these aren’t just any old jets. Oh no, these beauties are “able to bear nuclear weapons if necessary.” Because, apparently, the best response to a “growing nuclear threat” is to buy more planes that can carry bombs we can’t actually control. Genius!

Downing Street, clearly suffering from a severe case of delusion, is hailing this as “the biggest strengthening of the UK’s nuclear posture in a generation.” And by “strengthening,” they mean buying expensive toys that sit in NATO’s airborne nuclear mission sandbox, equipped with lovely US-made B61 bombs. Seven other countries are already in this exclusive club, happily relying on America to tell them when they can (or, more likely, can’t) play with their new toys.

Let’s be crystal clear, shall we? While these jets can carry conventional weapons (how quaint!), their real pièce de résistance is the option for those shiny nuclear payloads. But don’t you dare think for a second that this gives Britain any meaningful independence. As Justin Bronk of RUSI so helpfully pointed out, the US will still be pulling the strings. In the event of an actual war, “the US would still control their release and use.” So, we get the bill, they get the final say. Sounds like a perfectly balanced partnership, doesn’t it?

Tory MP Lincoln Jopp, bless his naive heart, even stood up in Parliament to ask if a “dual-key arrangement” would be in place, “namely, the Brits can’t use it without the American say-so.” Oh, Lincoln, you sweet summer child. The answer, of course, is a resounding yes, we can’t use it without the American say-so.

And believe me, I’ve seen precisely how this gilded cage operates first-hand. As an ex-member of that “elite” little group of British soldiers who actually served in a nuclear missile regiment – 50 Missile, for those keeping score, I can confirm we couldn’t get within a country mile of those nukes if we tried. Our American “overlords” treated us with all the deference usually reserved for a recently conquered nation, overseeing a particularly troublesome third-world outpost.

The decision follows the Strategic Defence Review, which Defence Secretary Healey said “confirmed we face new nuclear risks, with other states increasing, modernising and diversifying their nuclear arsenals”.

And on Tuesday, the government published a national security strategy, external in which it said the UK should “actively prepare for the possibility of the UK homeland coming under direct threat, potentially in a wartime scenario”.

Sir Keir has pledged to meet a new Nato target to spend 5% of the UK’s GDP on national security by 2035.

At the Nato summit, 32 member countries are expected to agree on the goal, which sees 3.5% going to core defence, with the rest on defence-related areas.

So there you have it: Britain’s latest foray into “defence.” We’re buying incredibly expensive planes to carry incredibly destructive weapons that we don’t actually control. Because nothing says “sovereign nation” like spending billions on a nuclear capability that requires a foreign power’s permission slip. But hey, at least we’ll look important while waiting for our masters to give the nod, right?

But then again, why worry? As they say: “There’s always money for war… and never a penny for the poor…”

Paul Knaggs